Harley rider pre-ride check off list:
1. Comb baseball player goatee and mustache
2. Spend 6+ hours polishing gaudy chrome pieces. Be sure people can read the “Live to Ride–Ride to Live” statement on gas tank lid.
3. Assure suspension can handle at least 560 pounds of rider
4. Pack cell phone and have tow service numbers programmed.
5. perfect the “I’m a Bad-Ass Motherfucker” Harley riding scowl in your rearview mirror (if your Hawg is so equipped).
6. Affix tassels from daughters bicycle to handle bars for added gay appearance.
7. Test flashers for when bike breaks down (99% probability)
8. Put on your wrist brace to help carpal tunnel from all of the unnecessary revving
9. Leather pants
10. Gloves
11. Wrap-around sunglasses
12. Skull cap (German soldier type for the real badasses). Remember to think about the SAFETY aspect/argument of loud pipes, as well as putting that potato chip on your head. The real tough guys here will wear a bandana over their face (some with a skull) to look really scary–ooooh!
13. CAT work boots (new)
14. Leather vest with some “chapter” embroidered on the back, such as “North Chapter of Pig-Fucking Obese Attention Whore Douchebags with Fat Ugly Loud-mouthed Wives”
15. Harley Davidson T-shirt (of course)–because everyone needs to know what shop you paid $40 for a $5 hanes shirt at.
16. Remove baffles from pipes so everyone can hear you going 18mph in 2nd gear at redline (Special note: Most HD motors will break down before hitting 2nd gear and/or redline)
17. Starbucks gift card: This is usually your hangout (how tough).
18. Call friends with similar ridiculous motorcycle (World-War II outdated technology garbage) and pathetic store-bought image (gay pirate from the Castro) attire. Have them attempt to meet you at the Starbucks without breaking down or crashing due to being distracted from looking at themselves in their chrome.
19. Five packs of Marlboro Reds or unfiltered Camels to smoke while riding to look extra-cool.
20. Slam a 6 pack of Zima prior to ride.
21. Saddle bags attached to pick up and store broken parts that fall off bike as you ride/push (if you can call it riding without laughing) that hunk of shit down the road.