Dear Users,

There’s an old urban legend in Tech Support circles about the support agent who tells his hapless caller to box up their machine and take it back to the store because “they’re too stupid to use a computer.” It was probably dreamed up by some frustrated support agent walking hopelessly clueless users through the same support call fifty times a day, day after day.

Now, I understand that you may see the quasi-apologetic phrase that you keep using as an excuse may be the naked truth. But no matter how true you perceive the following statement to be, however, still does NOT make it a valid excuse. You MUST stop using these words, strung together in this order:

“I’m computer-illiterate.”

The word “illiterate” doesn’t even really apply. Illiterate implies that you do not yet understand how computers work, yet have a willingness to learn. You, on the other hand, seem to have no desire whatsoever to learn even the basic functions of a computer or how it works. Ignorance of the law is never an excuse for ignoring it, and it is my sincere belief is that you would never, EVER be able to use this kind of excuse at ANY other job.

Say you’re a dock worker. Your foreman assigns you a forklift. If you suddenly forgot which key fits in the ignition, and when the foreman asked you why aren’t getting your job done, used the excuse “I’m forklift illiterate;” tell me: how long do you think you’d last at that job? Or, if you’re a barista, and every single day you accidentally drop a big glass carafe of coffee on the floor, and when your boss asks why you can’t seem to hang onto the expensive carafes full of expensive coffee you keep shattering, you say “I’m carafe illiterate.” What are the odds of you surviving as a barista for longer than it takes to, say, grow a moustache?

The phrase “I’m computer-illiterate,” to you, seems to mean: ” I don’t work in computers, so I don’t have to know a single thing about them, regardless of the fact that my job requires me to use a company PC.”

Therefore, to me, it’s far more accurate for you to say: “I’m computer ignorant.”

Because that’s what you’re really telling me; you’re really telling me “I have no interest at all in how a required tool of my job works, and I don’t care to learn anything about it, and if I can’t do my job due to this lack of knowledge, I’ll simply blame the tool I refuse to learn about. Or you, because you didn’t fix my ‘broken’ PC.”

Well, here’s the thing: if you cannot do your job with the tools required by that job, I have one word that describes the quality of your work:

Incompetent.

That’s right. You are incompetent. Hard cheese to swallow? Tough. Either make a real effort to learn come basic computer skills or contemplate a career change to a line of work that doesn’t require them (and good luck with that).

Now, before all the pitchforks and torches come out, keep in mind: I understand that computers break. If computers worked properly, all the time, then I would be unemployed. Servers misbehave, software gets corrupted, or some bug or other throws a cryptic error message on the screen. Maybe someone one of my peers pushes out a network change without realizing it will cripple the systems of 4 or 5 people in the company. Or maybe a drive quits or a network adapter just suddenly refuses to work. There are a great many IT things that happen that you do not have direct (or any) control over.

I fix the things that break. I keep your computers running. Yes, this means I know more about computers than your average Joe. I do not expect you to possess detailed knowledge of TCP/IP works, how to replace a dead hard drive, or which registry key to tweak to make the proprietary billing system client start working again. That’s my job.

I am talking to you people who call me 5 times a day because you forgot your network password–again–and when I ask you for your username, you go “My what?–again–and I reset your password and you complain that the password can’t be the one you were using last week–again–and I have to explain the company’s password policies to you–AGAIN–but really, none of it matters because I know you’re going to lose your post-it note in fifteen minutes and then call me back. AGAIN.

I am talking to you people who work with Microsoft Word all day long, but when I ask you to copy and paste the text in a document, you have no idea what I’m talking about. You have worked in this job for six years, but the idea of copying and pasting is still alien to you. When I try to explain it, using mouse actions (because god forbid you try to learn keyboard shortcuts like CTRL + C and CTRL + V), I have to then explain the difference between right and left clicking a mouse. And then you will continue to right-click everything until I figure out what you’re doing and tell you to stop, because if I don’t tell you to stop, you’ll keep right-clicking everything.

Nothing in these situations is broken, other than your willingness to open your mind and learn.

And you’re on notice: more and more companies nowadays are identifying people with sub-par computer skills as a liability and turning them loose. Do you think that IT support is FREE? No way. Helpdesks are expensive. Your boss pays out the nose for IT support, and sees your unwillingness to learn how to effectively use the main tool with which you must be productive as a source of lost revenue. While we IT folks are hand-holding you for an hour through a simple procedure you ought to know how to do on your own, or rebuilding your virus-infested machine because you ignored the company policy on not surfing porn at work, you are not only not doing your job, but further, we can’t devote time to making the network better for the rest of the user community. Typical cost for commercial-grade computer support averages $100 an hour, not counting the value of your lost productivity.

There is absolutely no good reason why, in the second decade of the 21st century, when computers have permeated every facet of our lives, you refuse to learn to do anything more challenging with a PC other than check your mail and surf the web. That is completely inexcusable. Being “computer-illiterate,” as you naively profess, is analogous today with being illiterate-illiterate; e.g. you will not land (or keep) a decent job without SOME level of IT savvy. With all the forums, YouTube videos, and other vast resources on the web, there is simply no excuse anymore for not knowing the first thing about PCs or how to do basic PC maintenance. Because right now, all you’re doing is clogging up my queue with your sadly-intentional blundering cluelessness.

Learn what a username is. Learn what “application” means. Stop assuming that calling IT means you can turn off your brain. Make an effort to understand the contraption you’ve been given to use by, and for, your company.

And for God’s sake, stop saying “I’m computer illiterate.” Because you sound ridiculous, and you should cringe hard with utter embarrassment every time you say it.

Seriously: Get savvy or log off.

Someone once said that there’s no substitute for experience. I can get behind that. For example, I’ve been working with personal computers for about 30 years now, and was blessed with sentience a few years before the personal computer boom cranked up to full-swing.

Today, I wake up every morning and read yet another breathless column in Engadget (okay, so they’re more tongue-in-cheek than breathless fanboys) about some brilliant new gizmo or other on the cusp of being turned loose upon a society whose gadget-lust is becoming harder and harder to satisfy. Even ten years ago, the smartphone was regarded as a miraculous conception which represented the engineering equivalent to summiting Everest and whose hefty price tag once made them the exclusive purview of the priveleged few. I find it at the same time amazing and disquieting that the release of a new smartphone garners from a jaded and saturated public little more than a disinterested yawn.

But with each new deliverance of miraculous brilliance upon the consumer electronics landscape comes those that must try to sell them to the public.

Enter Marketing.

One might think that thirty-odd years of having to pitch new technology to the general consuming public would’ve made these people a bit more creative. Sadly, this is not the case, and it was a recent iPad commercial that really drove the point home.

I was watching a “What is iPad?” commercial (watching commercials is something I rarely do nowadays thanks to another miraculous advent: the DVR), during which, one of the “Here’s what you can do with this thing” examples focused on education. Specifically, it showed little Johnny’s little fingers not where they normally are–up his nose–but rather, scribbling some arithmetic onto the iPad’s mock-chalkboard screen:

4 + 6 = 16. Huh. I personally thought it was 23.

Of course, Apple includes educational software in its phalanx of applications to help us consumers justify parting with the outrageous sum of money this thing commands–because at this point in the iPad’s lifecycle, purchasing one requires a pretty significant outlay of liquid assets.

I know this is not new. In fact, this looks fetchingly familiar. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah–I know where I’ve seen this before! On TV about 27 years ago, when Commodore was pitching the VIC-20! Only then, DVRs were 20 years away from practicality and even a VCRs price-tag represented a not-trivial percentage of the average household’s monthly income in 1982, so I had to watch it live, in a commercial break during Barney Miller:

a^2 + b^2 = nosebleed.

Cliché alert: Aah, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Personally, I find the inclusion of educational software titles in commercials for gee-whiz gizmos utterly laughable. Why?

Sure, mister, showing the gizmo helping little Johnny learn his ABCs may score some points with your better half, and depending on who wears the pants in the house (y’know, the pants in whose pocket is nestled the spending instruments: credit cards, checkbooks, cash, or PayPal passwords), may even tip the scales far enough over so that running out to the store and buying one won’t land you on the sofa for a week’s worth of fitful, solo snoozing. So tell the wifey anything you like, but I will guaran-$#^@&*-tee you that there is one place that Daddy’s new, pretty, delicate, $699-plus-tax iPad man-toy will never, ever end up. And that place is the jam-smeared virus-laden paws of his seven-year-old, even if he does need to learn his times-tables.

Pitching a new Über-gadget by showing off what educational benefits it can give the household’s domesticated booger factories is like trying to sell Corvettes by pitching to the wife how quickly one can get to the grocery store and back.

Anyone who has had to endure the displeasure of struggling through a customer support call with a completely unintelligible customer service representative in Bangalore should be watching this legislation with interest: A new bill before the House gives outsourcing American companies a hard time. Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) introduced a bill requiring that companies transferring calls to an overseas call center disclose that fact, and pay a tax of 25 cents per call transferred.

Hear hear!

I for one would be delighted to get those calls back to being handled in the United States, by native English-speaking and Spanish-speaking reps. I don’t even call tech support anymore unless I need an RMA because I rarely can understand the person on the other end of the phone. Even calls to American Express and other companies with other large customer-service organizations are being handled overseas, and not just by India anymore: Romania is a top call-center magnet in, and Sirius/XM has their call center in balmy Jamaica (ask me how I know).

In a complete fit of incredulity, in this article, TollFreeForwarding.com states:

“It will cost jobs while aiding the continued destruction of American wealth and influence. As an employer, it is prohibitively expensive to do business in this country, primarily because the talent pool is tiny due to our poor educational system. Even in a down economy, American technology companies have difficulty finding well-trained individuals who are prepared to work at the pace of international business.”

File that one under Oh Puh-LEEAZE!

Are you kidding me!? It’s America’s shitty talent pool? Really? Bullshit. You left out an important bit from that statement: …because the talent pool [who is willing to work for minimum wage and no benefits] is tiny due to our poor educational system. Yeah. Our educational system teaches kids to demand a living wage and health insurance, I guess that’s what makes it so poor. As a product of the American educational system–and as one who started their career in a BlueBehemoth call center, supporting OS/2–I find that quote highly offensive, and completely unfounded.

I realize that over in India it takes a Master’s degree from Bangalore U. to ensure one is qualified enough to ask someone if they’ve rebooted their computer (because that’s the next step on the script), but why don’t we give our American men and women a crack at it, ‘kay? I’m pretty sure they can handle it…

So AT&T is getting rid of their unlimited pricing plans, eh?

WelYgl it’s only been a fucking year since tethering was announced for the iPhone; now AT&T is poised to implement it–along with draconian pricing models to ensure that tethering isni’t at all useful to those who choose to tether. Their top-tier, most expensive plan, caps out at 2gb–down from 5gb on their “unlimited” plan.Plus, in a move in-line with their unmitigated gall, they did it as the iPad’s popularity is zooming stratospheric. You’ve got to admire the timing.

So rather than add capacity, the fucking slimebags at AT&T fixed the fact that they have the shittiest, narrowest-diameter data network of all the majors by crippling their data plans. Fucking brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that!? Some executive somewhere just got a big, fat bonus check for dreaming up that marvelous piece of marketing.

But Corsair, you use Verizon–and you hate AT&T anyway. So why get so bent-out-of-shape over this? It doesn’t affect you.

Oh, but it absolutely will affect me–and you, too, no matter what carrier you’re on. You see, when one carrier decides to do this sort of thing out in the open, it gives the green light to all the other carriers to do the same thing. It’s like collusion, but out in the open, and it’s just one more way for the telecoms to bend us over the barrel one more time for one more go-round.

I tether my BlackBerry Storm 2 under Verizon, and pay the oppressive $45/month + $15/month for the 5gb privilege. If Verizon follows suit, I’ll be pissed. Not pissed enough to leave them, of course–their service is still the best of the best–but pissed enough to write them angry letters and compose angry blog entries.

Big Red should use this as an opportunity to chuckle, shake their heads, and sock it to the Blue Bastards at AT&T–with an ad campaign that says: “Gee whiz, AT&T. It’s a shame that your pathetic network which can’t keep up with all the growth is so bad that you have to put usage restrictions in place. Can you hear me now? Oh–you dropped my call? Oops.”

Since I started taking Tri-Rail to work again, I have a big-ass commute–and I have the dubious distinction of having the longest commute in my office. If my office were playing Settelers of Cataan, I would so have the Longest Commute card–and the accompanying two points.

My commute

Total distance traveled: 54.1 miles.

The first half–A to B–is on Palm-Tran Route 40. I used to take Palm Tran route 62 to the Lake Worth Tri-Rail station, but the route was very crowded, and very stop-and-go. And the worst of it: the last bus left the Lake Worth station at 6:30pm, which meant that if I had to stay late at work, I was stranded. Eventually I started driving to the Lake Worth station, but that schlep back and forth from one end of Lake Worth Road to the other–a route lousy with traffic lights every few feet–got to be too much of a pain-in-the-ass and about summertime I stopped taking Tri-Rail altogether and drove the Turnpike to work.

However, a new development came along that made me revisit my commute: Palm Tran, in cooperation with the City of Wellington, built a 140-space Park & Ride behind Fresh Market on 441 and the Mall at Wellington Green. I got an e-mail about its opening in November, and decided to check it out. Turns out that Route 40 is limited-stop service from the Mall at Wellington Green (and the new Park & Ride) to the West Palm Beach Intermodal Transit Station (a.k.a the West Palm Beach Amtrak and Tri-Rail station).

There’s only one problem with commuting to work on Route 40:

Palm Tran route 40 rush-hour schedule

Look at how many westbound 40 buses serve the afternoon rush hour: One. One bus? Are you kidding me? That means if I take P634 from Cypress Creek, which leaves the station at a pretty reasonable 5:24 in the afternoon, I arrive at WPB-ITS at 6:15 (assuming the train is on time, a dangerous assumption nowadays) and have to wait an hour for the 7:15 Westbound 40–which would put me back at the Wellington Park & Ride at 8:10pm. Total commute time: a staggering 2 hours and 46 minutes.

No thank you.

Maybe adding one more on-the-half-hour westbound 40 bus will help: It’d have to leave WPB-ITS at 6:45pm, which isn’t really a big enough window for Tri-Rail P636, which is often ten or more minutes behind schedule.

If I want a reasonable commute time, my only option, really, is P632–which, because it departs Cypress Creek at 4:54pm. I have to leave work at 4:40pm to catch. And If I miss it, I’m screwed.

Maybe I’m too picky. Maybe I just want instant gratification. Maybe I should just be thankful that I commute in South Florida, and not New York or Chicago, where public transit is ten times as crowded, it snows, and hour-long layovers for connecting transit are commonplace.

Well, I must not be the only one, because here it is almost June–and the Wellington Park & Ride? Empty. A beautiful, nicely manicured, empty boondoggle. It sits empty every day, because nobody in Wellington with a car is interested in getting home fifteen minutes into prime-time.

I’m a highly experienced Windows guru with the chops to back it up. But now I find myself having to install, configure, and manage CentOS–all without the slightest idea how to do even the most basic system administration tasks in Linux, like managing users and groups, and managing drive partitions–or even what each partition is supposed to do. Under the covers, Linux is so fundamentally different from any other OS I’ve ever used (and I know a few others besides Windows), that I find myself forced to take my vast experience and throw it away and start from scratch, because it is almost completely irrelevant under Linux. There is very little (outside of my knowledge of TCP/IP) that I can apply from the Windows world to the Linux world.

What really, really bothers me about Linux is that none of the fucking Linux hippies I encounter, on the Internet or in person, has a fucking STRAIGHT ANSWER FOR ANYTHING!!! All I want to know is how to install GIMP under CentOS. Under Windows, it’s a breeze; click-click and you’re done.

I’ve googled the question: “Install GIMP under CentOS 5″ and I get 20,000 different answers from 20,000 different “experts.” And exactly none of them descripe a simple “click-click” install, which is what a total n00b like me needs.

I have a bunch of Linux people here in my office (and a friend or two) who resentfully turn up their noses at everything Microsoft and swear on their dead grandma’s graves that Linux is the greatest thing to ever be invented in the history of Earth, better even than the wheel or fire. Well, I got news for you Tofu-eating Linux hippies: Windows doesn’t make me RECOMPILE THE FUCKING KERNEL to install a simple graphics editor! These guys scratch their heads in squnty-eyed wonder why end-users aren’t flocking in droves to Linux. If the Goddamn learning curve wasn’t VERTICAL, I’m sure you’d get more users.

God help me when I try to install Asterisk and use this thing as a phone switch.

I like reading The Boston Diaries–my friend Conman’s blog (damn, I still hate that word!)–but find that a lot of the more technical information in it is way over my head. This owes largely to the fact that Conman is a highly experienced and very talented programmer and network architect; because I hope to absorb even a tiny bit of his vast network experience, I read all of his articles and exercise my brain muscle.

Conman once told me that he doesn’t necessarily post because his articles are interesting to his readers; rather, his articles are more or less a reference notebook for himself–that just so happens to come in the shape of a Blog. Some people use a Moleskine. Conman uses a Blog. Makes sense. Plus, you can’t Google a Moleskine. Yet.

Sometimes Conman’s more technical entries serve to guide other developers and network administrators, because Comnan is always tackling some very obscure problem or another. Conman also posts his problems, and their subsequent solutions, in very great detail–which is perfect for those who search the vast Intrawebs for the solutions to obscure problems. That Conman writes very well and has a sharp wit is a very big plus.

Anyway, I hope the search spiders pick this article up too, because this problem really drove me bananas until I figured out what was going on.

My home network consists of several PCs and computing devices, representing today’s modern family: A Windows 2003 Server, acting as Domain Controller, serving up files, DNS, and DHCP; a desktop and laptop for me, a family PC in the kitchen, a Wi-Fi laptop for my daughter, and, when he’s home from college, a Wi-Fi laptop for my teenage stepson. Additionally, we have an XBOX 360 for my teenage stepson (when he’s home from college), and a Nintendo Wii for everyone else, both of which connect to the LAN via Wi-Fi. Two recent additions are an old–but serviceable–Dell desktop in the bedroom that is destined to be a home-theater media server,and my BlackBerry Storm 2. Lastly, I have an HP OfficeJet 6500 Wi-Fi all-in-one paper handler to round out the network.

Recently, I switched from AT&T DSL to Comcast Cable Broadband. I used to have a Westell VersaLink Residential DSL gateway/router/Wi-Fi Access Point, but replaced it with my Motorola SurfBoard SB5101 Cable Modem, coupled to a Netgear WGT624 v3 broadband Wi-Fi switching router, which I happened to have from a previous address when I had cable broadband before, downstream.

Netgear WGT624 v3

The WGT624 v3 is a pretty nice little access point; however, the last time I’d employed it, it was in a small apartment, and then only had my desktop wired to it, and my laptop WI-Fi’d to it. My network has grown quite a bit since then.

The VersaLink from AT&T handled everything just fine and then some. It was as customizable as I needed it to be, even when I did fancy stuff like route VNC to my desktop at home so I could use it  remotely. The WGT624 is no different and handles custom routing easily. But the one little gotcha that had me up for two days tearing my hair out was DHCP.

(click here for a newbie’s introduction to DHCP)

The little micro DHCP servers typically found in home broadband routers only serve up three things: IP addresses, gateways and DNS. Because I have a Windows Active Directory domain at home, I prefer to use my own server for DHCP and DNS; this gives me far greater flexibility over stuff like lease times, DNS servers (Windows Active Directory is heavily dependent on DNS, particularly a local DNS server), NTP servers, and WINS servers (yes, I still use WINS; if you use Windows, WINS is a sad fact of life).

On my Westell VersaLink, this was not a problem; I simply disabled its DHCP server and was on my merry way. However, when I attempted the same thing on my WGT624 v3 broadband router,  I exposed a flaw in the unit’s firmware.

Out of the many devices I have on my network, only three are actually wired to it–the rest are all wireless clients. When I sunset my VersaLink and put up the WGT624 in its place, I was careful to keep the SSID, encryption, and passphrase all the same so that I wouldn’t have to run around the house reconfiguring everybody.

While the two wired DHCP client PCs were getting IP address leases from my Windows 2003 DHCP server, none of my wireless clients were.

I tried everything to troubleshoot the problem. I updated the router’s firmware. I turned off wireless encryption. I changed channels. I changed fragmentation thresholds and preamble settings. No matter what I tried, when the WGT624’s internal DHCP server was on, it would pass out addresses to my wireless clients. When it was disabled, none of my wireless clients were getting address leases from my normal DHCP server. If I hard-coded IP information into my wireless clients, they’d work perfectly–which meant that they were connected to the access point just fine. They just weren’t getting an IP address.

It was as if the router were simply not passing the DHCP broadcasts to the rest of the LAN–but that was impossible; this would be the first Wi-Fi access point switch in my years of networking experience that flatly refused to pass along DHCP requests to the rest of the LAN segment.

Out of ideas, I started this thread on the Netgear forums, hoping another Netgear user may have encountered this rather bizarre issue before me.

I finally stumbled across this page on Netgear’s site that has nothing to do with DHCP as it relates to the WGT624, but rather with using the WGT624 as a plain ol’ Wi-Fi access point on an existing Ethernet segment. It says, in little text as a footnote to the article:

DHCP configuration may not work reliably because the wireless router/access point may not correctly relay DHCP information from the router. Workaround: Use static IPs on the wireless PCs.

You’ve got to be kidding.

Then the thread bore fruit: one of the contributors hypothesized with me that it must be an unresolved bug in the firmware.

So rather than fix the problem, Netgear decided rather to fix the WGT624 DHCP problem the military way: “work around it instead of work through it.” What network administrator in their right mind is going to put up with hard-coding IP information for wireless clients!? Especially given how very inexpensive and competitive Wi-Fi access point/broadband routers have become?

Here’s how I solved the problem: I bought a Linksys WRT54G2 Wireless-G Broadband Router. It was less than fifty bucks, and it passes DHCP requests like a champ.

Linksys WRG54G2

Also, as part of the solution, I will consider carefully buying another Netgear product in the future.

I really hope all the search engine spiders pick this up, because as of the date of this writing there is not yet a comprehensive review available for BeeJiveIM 2.0.1 for the BlackBerry Storm.

I’ve been using BeeJiveIM since it was called JiveTalk and used it on my Curve 8330; having one of my brilliant, yet rare, flashes of foresight, I knew that phones in my world are not perennial things and thus I sprung for the $29.99 license (it’s now $14.95) that lets you move JiveTalk, or BeeJiveIM, or whatever the hell they’re calling it these days, from phone to phone. It’s a nice little product that allows the user to connect to all the major IM services with their smartphone: AIM, Yahoo!, Windows Live, Google Talk, even Jabber–a boon for me, as Jabber is our primary method of IM.

THE VERDICT: SAVE YOUR MONEY

I began using BeeJiveIM 2.0.1 on my BlackBerry Storm 2 (with OS 5.0.0.328) a few days ago, following an interminable wait for the product to exit Beta. I used its Beta on my Storm 1, and the Beta was about as abyssmal a product as you can get. For a while there, the Beta for the Storm wasn’t even available for download from beejive.com. I downloaded BeeJiveIM 2.0.1 with a minimum of muss and/or fuss, it installed properly, and I was able to transfer my existing license over to it, all very easily. Sadly, that’s where the party ended.

My impression after a few days? No software product has ever made me want to give my BlackBerry Storm 2 top billing on a segment of Will It Blend? more than BeeJiveIM 2.0.1. The product is so unbelievably bad that I think I would have been far better off simply smearing the phone with my own feces and burying it in peat moss for a month–at least the possibility would exist that something beautiful may grow out of it.

BeeJiveIM 2.0.1 is buggier than a bait store in the Everglades in summertime; in my opinion, the product should never have exited Beta. It has some really nice features that, if they worked, would be fabulous.

But they don’t.

Bug #1: there’s no way to disable those obnoxious buddy icons. On a smartphone, display real estate and processing power are precious, precious commodities and to squander them on making buddy icons display and scroll is inane. Oh sure, there’s a check box in “Preferences” that suggests that BeeJiveIM may stop displaying the buddy icons. But it won’t.

One of my major complaints about BeeJiveIM for the Curve was the fact that it sucked down battery power like a frat boy sucks down Old Milwaukee. I accepted that fact because it was a halfway decent product, but BeeJive IM 2.0.1 is even worse. If you keep it running, talking to the network over EV-DO, your fully-charged battery will be depleted within half a day. Aah, but BeeJive added a fix: The Storm 2 has Wi-Fi capability, and BeeJiveIM can allegedly use the far more battery-conscious Wi-Fi radio to talk.

And it will, too. For about a half hour. After that, any status change will result in connection errors; to change your status, you have to shut down the software and restart it. Boo.

Just about everything I tried to do with BeeJiveIM 2.0.1 made me want to repeatedly smash my Storm against my desk. But I didn’t; it’s not the Storm’s fault that BeeJiveIM 2.0.1 is a horrible product, so I refuse to take my enormous frustration and disappointment out on my Storm. The truth is that there are so many bugs in this product that it is pointless to continue the review, and if I were BeeJive, I would be embarrassed to give this product away–much less charge $15.00 for it.

And why the low price point all of a sudden!? If a user can afford a BlackBerry and the hugely expensive plan that goes with it, they can pony up $30 for a do-all meta-messenger like BeeJiveIM. I plunked down my $30 and was happy to do it. If this product actually worked, my God, it would be a bargain at twice the price. I personally think it’s Apple, once again, ruining the smartphone market for everyone by insisting that developers slave away for peanuts; if you pay $5.00 for an app, you’ll get just that–an app worth $5.00. I also have a sneaky suspicion that BeeJive is pouring its limited resources into the iPhone version, making us BlackBerry users (once again) feel like the ugly girl at the Prom that nobody wants to dance with. But I digress.

BeeJive, if you’re reading this, take this gigantic steaming pile of crap called BeeJiveIM 2.0.1 for the BlackBerry Storm back to the drawing board and don’t come back without a version 3. And make sure everything works this time, mmmmkay?

I just read another infuriating article in the Wall Street Journal singing the same old tune: Some corporate IT user is bitching against e-mail quotas, blocked websites, the inability to install his own apps, and the aging workhorse that is Windows XP.

And as an IT manager, you know what I have to say to that?

Tough shit, jocko.

We IT types get reamed from both sides of the house. It’s an argument as old as commerce itself: Management wants to spend as little on IT as humanly possible. The user community wants shiny new toys every week. The two are not compatible with one another. And the most fun happens when the user community goes to management with their laundry-list of grievances: “Waaah! The network is too slow! Waaah! We want unlimited e-mail server space to store every piece of SPAM we’ve ever received since 1994! Waaah!  We want unfettered access to the whole open Internet! Waaah! We want a 9,000GHz Octouple-Core laptop with a 90″ screen and 500gb of RAM and a 60tb drive so we can write letters faster in Word!” Then Management comes down on the IT department asking why all the users are so damn unhappy.

I happen to be pretty lucky at my job: while we get don’t always get new technology at brisk pace, it’s not a snail’s pace. And I’m lucky enough to be working with really, really smart people who are intelligent enough to know that you’re not supposed to be surfing Porn at work and that there ain’t no such thing as a “free” app on the Internet, so I don’t have to spend all my time being a mommy to an office full of recalcitrant children.

For the rest of you: Here’s a simple FAQ as to why the waaaaambulance hasn’t showed up at your desk with every little stupid IT request you asked for:

Q: Waaaah! Why can’t I have more e-mail storage space?
A: Because while disk is cheap, the boxes that the disk goes into is not. And because we don’t have a SAN (storage area network), we can’t just throw more disk in it on the fly. We have to plan disk upgrades into e-mail’s maintenance cycle and that means taking down the mail server for a few hours. Oh, did I mention that despite our repeated requests, management didn’t spring for a redundanr cluster that would keep one mail server up at all times while we worked on another to actually do these kinds of upgrades without disruption? So here’s my advice to you, bucko: Clean out your damn inbox and archive your mail locally. Trust me, it ain’t that hard, especially if you use Outlook.

Q: Waaah! There’s a laptop at Office Depot that has eleventy million times the specs that mine has! Faster processor! More disk! More memory! Bigger screen! Why can’t I have it!?
A: Because we’re a [insert manufacturer here] shop, and all of our technology purchases have to o through our corporate account so we can get corporate pricing. That laptop at Office Depot costs 10-25% more at Office Depot than what we can get it for. That’s why the purchase has to go through channels. And I asked your manager if you could have one like it the last ten times you submitted the request. He said no this time too, because it’s too expensive–and yelling at me ain’t gonna change that. Better luck asking Santa Claus. And besides–you’re making PowerPoint slides and Word documents–not curing cancer or decoding the human genome. Your current laptop is just fine. Deal with it.

Q: Waaah! I wanna surf the whole Internet! Why won’t you let me surf Myspace or Facebook or girlswith[BEEEEEEEP]intheir[BEEEEEEEP].com!?
A: Because Myspace is still the 25-dollar heroin-junkie hooker of the Web, frought with malware and spyware attack redirects. You think your PC is slow now? Wait’ll it gets infected and becones a zombie attached to some botnet, participating in DDoS attacks, SPAMming, and Kiddie-Porn storage (I swear I’m NOT making that one up–want proof? Here it is). Do that shit on your PC, in your own home, on your own time–not the company’s. I’m sick of re-imaging your goddamn PC. This is the third time this week.

Q: Waaah! I wanna install all my own programs! Why won’t you make me an administrator of my own machine so I can do that!?
A: See the previous question. Who the hell knows what you’ll install if given free reign on your box? The Internet is full of bad people just itching to take over a corporate machine, steal its data, and steal the bandwidth of the company network to do bad things.

Q: Waaah! Windows XP is old! I want a new, modenr operating system like Vista!
A: Well, you’re actually in luck there. Windows 7 is out, which is actually better than Vista, and isn’t the bloated pig that Vista was. I run Windows 7 on a Dell D610 at home, with a single-core 1.7GHz P4M, 2gb of RAM, and a 60gb hard drive-pretty modest by today’s standards, and so far it has done everything I’ve asked it to do. But I don’t know whether you realize this or not, but VISTA DIDN’T WORK! It was a big, bloated, buggy, DRM-filled, horrific steaming pile of dog shit. But don’t you worry. We’re doing compatibility testing on Windows 7 right now, and we’ll have an image available for rollout in a few months. BUT: That’s only if I can get Management to spring for the licenses, to the tune of $179.99 per computer. We need Windows 7 Enterprise, you see.

In summary: I’m sick to death of reading these hyperventilating articles from frustrated users bitching about their IT department. They haven’t the foggiest ideas that we in IT are no less frustrated, caught on the one side with having no budget to work with and on the other consisting of hoardes of screaming, dissatisfied users. IT is a hard job. If you think it’s so easy, you do it.

At the end of the day, the IT policy we make is directly dependent on the company policy that comes down from the upper echelons–and my loyalty is to the people who sign my checks, NOT to you. I’ve been tasked to keep our employees productive, our IT assets safe and accounted for, and give you the tools you require to do your job–no more, no less.

If you don’t like it, well, that’s just tough.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I don’t hate the iPhone. but I loathe AT&T, and I loathe them because their service totally stinks. Butterfly and her kids had AT&T phones when we met, and I counted down the seconds until her contract was up and I could bring them all over to Verizon with me–About half the calls between she and I were marred by interference and outright drops, and she couldn’t get a signal on her phone in our living room–she was constantly missing calls. Even text messages sometimes wouldn’t be delivered for days at a time. When she or I send texts even today to AT&T customers, that still happens, albeit less frequently. But it still happens.

Now I really hate AT&T.

I’ve been reading for days about their legal response to Verizon’s new spate of “There’s a map for that” ads:

…and the conclusion I can draw? Someone better call a waaaaaaaaambulance for AT&T. Not only does their voice network stink, but their 3G data network is seriously outdated and hasn’t nearly kept up with its ambitious smartphone offerings–iPhone included.

And now the war is getting even uglier. Verizon has fired right back at the lawsuit–not only doubling up on its “There’s a map for that” ads (including some hilarious Christmas-themed ones), but now Engadget is reporting that Verizon’s legal team has fired a response to AT&T’s legal team–one drafted from the ground up for publication.

AT&T did not file this lawsuit because Verizon’s “There’s A Map For That” advertisements are untrue; AT&T sued because Verizon’s ads are true and the truth hurts.

In the final analysis, AT&T seeks emergency relief because Verizon’s side-by-side, apples-to-apples comparison of its own 3G coverage with AT&T’s confirms what the marketplace has been saying for months: AT&T failed to invest adequately in the necessary infrastructure to expand its 3G coverage to support its growth in smartphone business, and the usefulness of its service to smartphone users has suffered accordingly.

Yup. The truth sure does hurt, AT&T.

Lastly, Engadget published this great editorial that debunks all the myths surrounding AT&T’s and Verizon’s data networks once and for all–and is required reading for anybody following this.

I’ll echo the sentiment of the above editorial–as well as many of the folks watching this fight with interest: Hey AT&T, instead of spending untold zillions on corporate lawyers, think maybe you outght to invest that money into, I dunno, improving your network? Maybe? Huh? Whaddaya say?